When I was 17 I worked at the French Connection in the Mall. It was there that I learned the complexities of the mall Hierarchy- basically the farther away from the food court, the higher end retail you were. We were on the opposite side of the mall from the food court. Thus as a teenager I thought it would up my cool and sophisticated quotient, much like my view on working in a coffee house (just for the record neither of those jobs amounted to anything cool OR sophisticated). While employed there I worked with this very effeminate gay man, Jerry, who was 30, falling out of shape, living at home in his parents basement and dating a fat hairdresser. Jerry was NOT the typical French Connection employee. He wore pleated pants (which were out of style even in the early 90’s) and silk patterned shirts open to reveal a wealth of chest hair and sagging pectoral muscles. Jerry loved to hit on me and since I was naïve and stupid I thought it was fun to flirt back and thought he may be a catch, lisp and all.
Jerry and my interactions were very strange and made most of our coworkers uncomfortable. They usually consisted of Jerry saying something sexual or totally pathetic and I would bite back in my usual razor sharp way. I never minded the banter back and forth and often found it fun to think of new witty come-backs, it was like I was practicing for the Bitch-lympics. Usually it ended in laughter and him touching me inappropriately as I winced in mild disgust and awe (disgust because of all the reasons I described above, awe because a MAN was touching me- it didn’t matter how gross). One particular day the laughter stopped and he never spoke to me again.
Jerry’s 31st birthday was coming up and he was in the usual quandary of “What am I going to do with my life?” I of course offered very little sympathy while listening to him moan on and on about how life takes so many twists and turns that you don’t know where you will end up. I snappishly folded my sweaters and told ugly women and chunky teenage girls they looked FABULOUS and told him he needs to figure it out because I was sick of hearing it. I had known since I was 13 what I wanted to do (4 years was a lifetime at 17) and listening to some “old” guy talk about life’s confusing paths was not one of them. My destiny was as follows:
1. Move to New York City
2. Go to NYU and major in musical theater
3. Graduate
4. Star in a Broadway musical hit
5. Win a Tony award
6. Break into movie by staring in an independent film I would co-write with my smart and devilishly handsome screenwriting boyfriend I met at NYU.
6. Win an Oscar and say ‘FUCK YOU’ to all the people who made fun of me.
7. Start a movie production company
Such realistic and easily obtainable goals, right?
After an exceptionally long lunch break Jerry came in very excited and told me he had “Great News”. I of course thought this news had something to do with me- it was great after all. I rushed to the back of the store by the men’s underwear where Jerry stood like a little kid who had to pee.
“I am going back to thchool!” he lisped
“What?!” I snapped back in disgust
He looked confused
“ugh and what for?!” I said before he could even respond.
“Make-up!” His eyes lit up like it made sense-- For the record:It didn’t. The guy always offered the most horrific hair and makeup advice to all the girls who worked at the store.
“Aren’t you a little OLD to be going back to school and for Make-Up of all things?” I condescendingly reproached.
Crushed and visably deflated (by a 17 year old) he turned away for a minute then slammed his hand down on the counter filled with boxer briefs (it was the only truly manly thing I had ever seen him do).
“YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE 31 YOU WILL THTILL THINK YOU CAN CONQUER THE WORLD!”
My quick witted and damning retort-
“By the time I am 31 I WILL have conquered the world!”
I then sashayed over to ladies to help another fatty squeeze into a strapless dress then cover up the arm rolls with a stylish shall (this is what made me the number one sales person in the region for the month of May).
When I turned back I saw him standing there dumbfounded and welling up in tears. He ran to the break room and slammed the door never to talk to me again. The manager later told me I had really hurt his feelings. I callously said he is a grown man and he can handle it. Thankfully my boss agreed and giggled at my comment. When I was driving home that night I decided that working with Jerry was too much of a scary sign. I needed to quite in order to focus on graduating high school and ensuring my fate will not be his. Two days after the incident I gave my notice.
Every birthday since 25 I have thought of this story. At first I thought it was hilariously funny. I would think of what a clever little bitch I was or how different my goals were. Then it turned into thoughts of how Jerry was right- things do change and twist in life. You really don’t know where you will land. The story slowly turned form aged wisdom lost on a young idiotic soul to a sad and haunting tale . Now as I careen towards 30 every time I try something new, every time I fail, every time I try to get my foot in the door, every time I am rejected- I think of this man and what he said. It will not go away no matter how many times I tell it to. Each passing year I see myself slipping further away from the confidant person I was, my goals, my ambitions and my dreams- granted many of them have changed but they still seem just as intangible. I am terrified I have hit a slippery slope and next thing you know I too will be living in my parents’ basement, working in a mall, have sagging pectoral muscles and some teenager will tell me I am an old loser. I however will not cry and merely turn to that little shit and punch his lights out.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
The P_lace
Saturday afternoon in the mid eighties, anyone who is anyone is busy playing Racquetball before their hot night out with their wives, dates,whatever. My father was no exception. Every Saturday he would take me to the Faunce Corner Racquetball Club for an afternoon of manly activities. There I would pass the time frolicking around the courts, play a game or two, hang in the lounge, the locker room etc. Truth be told- I mostly stared at naked men while pretending to conduct tours for groups of older women who had never seen naked men before. Mind you; these "older women" were invisible and mere figments of my imagination so it was just me looking at naked men and making comments about them in my head and under my breath. Yes it’s true, gay as the day is long, what can I say.
My favorite part of the afternoon was after we showered, went in the whirlpool, dried off and got spiffed up for my mom. My father would treat me to an Orangina and microwave nachos while he drank beer with his buddies before having to be home at 6pm. The men would talk about sports (all I knew about sports was I liked to wear baseball hats and funny foam fingers) jobs, money - I didn't pay attention. I was usually hypnotized by the giant rear projection television in the lounge showing aerobics while I munched away soaking in inspiration for dance routines I could try out when I get home. It was Saturday night after all and that meant my parents would go out, my sister would be in charge, we would have pizza for dinner and my favorite television show would be on Kids Incorporated .
I loved Kids Incorporated more than I loved the movie Cinderella, and let me tell you that was an awful lot. I would dream about being on the show and it was my life ambition and goal to some day be on Kids Incorporated and performaning at "The P_lace". Since I was a true fan I knew that "The P_lace" was really the “The Palace” but the “a” burnt out over the years and the place got rundown. Thankfully the soda jerk/ manager character revamped it 80’s style and brought in a group of singing kids. There was even an episode about an older woman who used to hang out at “The Palace” and her revisiting her past- I think it included flash backs involving 40’s style swing dancing and Martika as the old woman young again.
I was unaware that this was a set at the time and in my fantasy I was hired to sing and dance for groups of bright young things whilst they watched and sipped ice cream sodas; there just HAPPENED to be a camera there making a TV show. I would constantly tell people I wanted to be on the show (by people I mean my mom and grandma) and in every episode EXCEPT the Halloween episodes, it was too scary. I loved this show so much that my sister and our friends would often play "Kids Incorporated". This usually took up a whole afternoon and involved pulling out our dress up trunk, making up dance routines and performing for one another to Olivia Newton John or Madonna.
I still remember one particularly dramatic solo choreographed for me by my sister to “Hopelessly Devoted” by ONJ- the big move was me doing a push tuck and roll onto the floor to the lyric “you pushed my love aside” then grabbing my head to “I'm outta my head, hopelessly devoted to you”. I loved Olivia and my sister.
The first incarnation of this "game" I was made to be "The Kid" for our routines. In case you can not remember, or more accurately drank/smoked that memory away- "The Kid" was that little gay acting boy that would lisp about crushes on girls to the older brother character "Mikey" later replaced by "Ryan" (god I loved Ryan) and sang an amazing rendition of "Some guys have all the luck" while pouting about his latest crush on a mystery girl (aka Ryan). Playing “The Kid” meant no dressing up, no fancy dances, standing still while the girls did all the fun moves, and singing songs I did not like. I soon put a stop to this and demanded I play a different character. We had Gloria/Martika (my sister), Renee and Stacey (family friend friends who were blonde sisters in real life too) I didn't want to be "The Kid" and was too young for Ryan so there were not many options left for me. I finally decided we should create a story line where a mystery girl comes into the group and wows everyone with her amazing talent and they let her in. Now who would play this EXTREMELY talented mystery girl... who....?
Why your's truly of course!
I insisted that I get to have as much fun as the rest of the girls, wear gowns, make up like and do the sexy girl boob shimmy ala Pat Benetar “Love is Battlefield”(even though my father saw me do this once and winced "Don't do that...EVER again"). It was agreed that it was a good idea, a solid plot line and "mystery girl" was born.(Thank god my sister was cool with me always copying her and these friends loving me so much because really- some bad shit could have come out of this activity and a LOT of making fun). I finally got to spin in something other than the Christmas tree skirt (see Chestnuts Roasting), do the "costume changes" between our little routines, put on too much blue eye shadow and shake my ass like nobodies business. I pranced, I danced, I laughed, I squealed freely with no parental judgment (although I am sure they would have loved it). I thought there was nothing better than sashaying with the girls in our dank basement sporting my sister’s glow in the dark dance costume... well until I got beat up for that behavior.
The show eventually sputtered to a stop after two years and so did our game. The network shifted the time slot too many times so dedicated viewers like myself had no idea when it was on anymore.The final nail came when Disney bought it and took it off network TV. At that point I had outgrown the show but not my love of jazz hands, pop tunes and spinning in skirts (will I ever outgrow that? OK skirts, yes. Pop tunes, maybe- jazz hands NEVER). I would still visit the racquet ball club every Saturday, stare at naked men, eat nachos and get in trouble for swearing but somehow Saturday nights were never the same without all that singing and dancing.
NOTE! I was looking for the Soda Jerk/Managers name on wikipedia and I learned that one of the show's two creators has the same first and last name as my father- VERY weird and funny!
My favorite part of the afternoon was after we showered, went in the whirlpool, dried off and got spiffed up for my mom. My father would treat me to an Orangina and microwave nachos while he drank beer with his buddies before having to be home at 6pm. The men would talk about sports (all I knew about sports was I liked to wear baseball hats and funny foam fingers) jobs, money - I didn't pay attention. I was usually hypnotized by the giant rear projection television in the lounge showing aerobics while I munched away soaking in inspiration for dance routines I could try out when I get home. It was Saturday night after all and that meant my parents would go out, my sister would be in charge, we would have pizza for dinner and my favorite television show would be on Kids Incorporated .
I loved Kids Incorporated more than I loved the movie Cinderella, and let me tell you that was an awful lot. I would dream about being on the show and it was my life ambition and goal to some day be on Kids Incorporated and performaning at "The P_lace". Since I was a true fan I knew that "The P_lace" was really the “The Palace” but the “a” burnt out over the years and the place got rundown. Thankfully the soda jerk/ manager character revamped it 80’s style and brought in a group of singing kids. There was even an episode about an older woman who used to hang out at “The Palace” and her revisiting her past- I think it included flash backs involving 40’s style swing dancing and Martika as the old woman young again.
I was unaware that this was a set at the time and in my fantasy I was hired to sing and dance for groups of bright young things whilst they watched and sipped ice cream sodas; there just HAPPENED to be a camera there making a TV show. I would constantly tell people I wanted to be on the show (by people I mean my mom and grandma) and in every episode EXCEPT the Halloween episodes, it was too scary. I loved this show so much that my sister and our friends would often play "Kids Incorporated". This usually took up a whole afternoon and involved pulling out our dress up trunk, making up dance routines and performing for one another to Olivia Newton John or Madonna.
I still remember one particularly dramatic solo choreographed for me by my sister to “Hopelessly Devoted” by ONJ- the big move was me doing a push tuck and roll onto the floor to the lyric “you pushed my love aside” then grabbing my head to “I'm outta my head, hopelessly devoted to you”. I loved Olivia and my sister.
The first incarnation of this "game" I was made to be "The Kid" for our routines. In case you can not remember, or more accurately drank/smoked that memory away- "The Kid" was that little gay acting boy that would lisp about crushes on girls to the older brother character "Mikey" later replaced by "Ryan" (god I loved Ryan) and sang an amazing rendition of "Some guys have all the luck" while pouting about his latest crush on a mystery girl (aka Ryan). Playing “The Kid” meant no dressing up, no fancy dances, standing still while the girls did all the fun moves, and singing songs I did not like. I soon put a stop to this and demanded I play a different character. We had Gloria/Martika (my sister), Renee and Stacey (family friend friends who were blonde sisters in real life too) I didn't want to be "The Kid" and was too young for Ryan so there were not many options left for me. I finally decided we should create a story line where a mystery girl comes into the group and wows everyone with her amazing talent and they let her in. Now who would play this EXTREMELY talented mystery girl... who....?
Why your's truly of course!
I insisted that I get to have as much fun as the rest of the girls, wear gowns, make up like and do the sexy girl boob shimmy ala Pat Benetar “Love is Battlefield”(even though my father saw me do this once and winced "Don't do that...EVER again"). It was agreed that it was a good idea, a solid plot line and "mystery girl" was born.(Thank god my sister was cool with me always copying her and these friends loving me so much because really- some bad shit could have come out of this activity and a LOT of making fun). I finally got to spin in something other than the Christmas tree skirt (see Chestnuts Roasting), do the "costume changes" between our little routines, put on too much blue eye shadow and shake my ass like nobodies business. I pranced, I danced, I laughed, I squealed freely with no parental judgment (although I am sure they would have loved it). I thought there was nothing better than sashaying with the girls in our dank basement sporting my sister’s glow in the dark dance costume... well until I got beat up for that behavior.
The show eventually sputtered to a stop after two years and so did our game. The network shifted the time slot too many times so dedicated viewers like myself had no idea when it was on anymore.The final nail came when Disney bought it and took it off network TV. At that point I had outgrown the show but not my love of jazz hands, pop tunes and spinning in skirts (will I ever outgrow that? OK skirts, yes. Pop tunes, maybe- jazz hands NEVER). I would still visit the racquet ball club every Saturday, stare at naked men, eat nachos and get in trouble for swearing but somehow Saturday nights were never the same without all that singing and dancing.
NOTE! I was looking for the Soda Jerk/Managers name on wikipedia and I learned that one of the show's two creators has the same first and last name as my father- VERY weird and funny!
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