Drunken happiness.

My mom was in town for a conference with my dad this past weekend so I had the good fortune of being spoiled and taken out to a nice dinner with two of my closest friends- LCL and Wagin. My mom isn't like the other moms she's a "cool mom"... kidding, but it’s kind of true.

We all met up for drinks at Veloce (my mom, her friend, Wagin and LCL), a favorite of mine and Wagin's for a late night glass after I get out of class and she is heading home from the studio. It was crowded as hell on a Friday afternoon with nasty office ladies wearing cheap perfume, ugly furs, and hair so teased and sprayed you could hear it move when they turned their heads (kind of like rustling leaves in the distance). Apparently there was some horrible office function going on (should have been tipped off by the bald men with guts and ties) and a birthday party for some woman named "Sharon" who likes "Proskecceco"- yeah she couldn't get it right. We moved on to the gayest possible venue- Elmo.

I escorted my entourage of 4 women, two in their early fifties, two in their early thirties, and had that brief panicked thought of "Oh god, this is what life is going to be like for me... taking care of crazy ladies" thankfully I knew there was expensive vodka waiting for me and the thought passed. When we arrived at Elmo the techno music was pumping, the gay boys were drinking with their sugar daddies and bitch faces were in full effect. My mom loved it. In her mind she thinks these are places I go, just like those ones on "Will and Grace". It was just like she imagined (which is funny because if I took her to the real dives I drink at she would be horrified). I quickly ordered drinks and began to play waiter for all the women in waiting at the high tables by the window. I told the bartender (straight of course, they always do that at any gay bar to drive us all crazy) that I was with my mother, it was on her tab, keep it open. No sooner had I finished delivering the first round, I was on my second.

My friends enjoy my mom because she likes to have fun; she can drink with the best of them and APPEARS to be able to talk about anything. My friend LCL takes this as an opportunity to talk about inappropriate things like the size of the guy’s dick she is dating- how HUGE it is and how good the sex is. Ok, my mom may be cool, but not that cool. I could see in her face the "I am cool, yeah this is cool, and sex is fun..." frantic look. I tried to butt in but LCL just kept right on going. My mom ordered another glass of wine.

My mom is of the mindset that eventually everyone needs to settle down and find their "best friend" to marry. Many of my friends don't believe in this- least of all LCL. My mom tried to give the "dump the young guy and find a serious man" pep talk to LCL when she was finished. She tired the "why waste your time" tactic to no avail. LCL argued her position as to why good sex and a big dick were all that mattered right now, my mom nodded and smiled. I kind of wanted to tell LCL to shut up and not talk about these issues with my mom; she is still a MOM after all. The girl needs to learn to reel it in once and a while. Then again, this is why I love LCL and my mom does too. Their conversation continued, my mom nodded and I got another round like a good son.

Eventually the topic came to me and my dating life. My mothers friend asked me about it, my mom listened eagerly pretending she had heard it all before. My friends backed me up on the "I have no time and New York is tough" crap. It didn't go over too well. My mom pushed in at this point and started with the whole "what about that online dating you were doing" to which I shot back "Mom, that lead to nothing and everyone was not what they said" (half the time it was just for getting laid). She went on and on as to why I need someone, should have someone etc. This is the first time I realized how concerned my mom was for me and I guess I could see why- there I was, single, late twenty something, never been in a serious relationship, hanging out with two thirty something women all the time, in a circle with fifty something year old women and no man in site. My mom looked around and saw plenty of gay men hanging out, touching each other, enjoying each other- Why not her son?

She pressured me more like I had some dark hidden secret. When she used to do this I thought it was a fear of me not getting laid until one time I said "MOM if this is about sex, YES I have it and it is fun!" By the look on her face I could tell this was not what she was looking for.

My mom went on to who she could set me up with back home, who could I be set up with here- even went so far as to aske "what about your new gay doctor- does he know anyone?". She would have freaking asked the bartender to set me up if I let her get out of her seat but thankfully I was blocking her. I tried to explain that people have different paths in life; some don't include relationships as priority number one. Right now I am one of those people.

This was not what mom's like to hear. She began to well up. Her eyes were glassy, the frown was assuming its position and tears were about to flow. I have only made my mom cry once before as an adult and that was because I was poking fun of her when she was drunk. Now here she was again, tipsy and I was telling her I am single because I just am (it’s like a daughter saying she doesn't want kids or something). She reached out and grabbed my arm.

"Aren't you lonely? Don't you want someone? I just want to see you happy honey, you don't seem happy..." *sniffle*

I explained I am happy, as happy as a stressed out person in this city can be. If I focus on being lonely that is all I focus on. I am happy with my friends, granted they are all women. I am happy with work, ok yeah, I hate the head of my department and my daily tasks but the people are nice. I love school, even though I have no time for it and would rather eat my eyeballs than go to class half the time but I am happy DAMN IT... Shit...I am HAPPY. Her friend gave her a light hug and said "We know, its just all mothers want to see their sons with someone." Great, just what I needed, an "all mothers" comment.

That is the truth, I am happy. I am happy until someone brings my happiness into question because they themselves would not be happy in my situation. I think that sucks. I feel as though it is a judgment on my life. Adding a relationship would be great but I can not spend all my time and effort looking for that elusive someone who I may or may not enjoy spending time with- I got shit to do right now. It will happen when it happens... that’s what I keep telling myself.

After tears were dried, hugs were had and Wagin quickly changed the topic (thank god for Wagin) I found out my mom had not eaten in two days from stress (she is under the gun right now at her job - see, we are so much alike) thus the extra emotions and the touch of sluring that had creeped in. I sent Wagin off to order some food for the table to munch on while I paid some extra attention to my mom in her fragile state. She seemed to perk up after a few bites and was back to herself in no time asking about dinner and more drinks. She did keep giving me the "why does no one want my son" eye but I am used to that at this point. We had a few more drinks, I got the tab (to which the bartender said "wow your mom treats you and your friends well!", I blushed of course and over tipped him and his straight ass) we packed in the show and hopped in cab for dinner with more drinking and PROSECCO. I may dissapoint her in the relationship catagory but I know I can show her a good time like no one else.

The Institution of Marriage

It has been debated for several years now what the "institution of marriage" is. I looked online for a formal definition and found this definition of Institution;

Institution –noun

Sociology. A well-established and structured pattern of behavior or of relationships that is accepted as a fundamental part of a culture, as marriage: the institution of the family. --- Dictionary.com

Is the institution of marriage about family? A union between MAN and WOMAN? A legal word? A spiritual union? If this institution is indeed a "structured pattern of behavior or of relationships accepted as a fundamental part of culture" as the definition suggests- haven't times change enough where the establishment is anti-establishment, patterns of behavior have changed, people's views on other people's heritage and race have changed? For example, it is no longer acceptable to throw your bathwater out the window- but at one time that was very acceptable, established and normal. There was a time when people could not marry others of a different race in this country, which was changed because it was ludicrous. Why use this term "institution" for something that is fluid like love, relationships and family.

People believe we must defend this "institution" from all the unacceptable parties, namely the gay and lesbian population. President Bush has used this issue like a WMD to get voters attention during election seasons, to rally the masses- namely the conservatives who think it is their duty to uphold this "institution". I found this lovely quote from Mr. Bush in the New York Times on Friday October 27th

“Yesterday in New Jersey, we had another activist court issue a ruling that raises doubts about the institution of marriage,” Mr. Bush said at a luncheon at the Iowa State Fairgrounds that raised $400,000 for Mr. Lamberti.

The president drew applause when he reiterated his long-held stance that marriage was “a union between a man and a woman,” adding, “I believe it’s a sacred institution that is critical to the health of our society and the well-being of families, and it must be defended.”

...excuse me; I just puked a little in my mouth...

What exactly are we defending here? Is it the right to quickie Vegas marriage that results in divorce? The rights for married couples to overpopulate the world cheat on each other and then break up a family? Why is this so "sacred"? The health of our society is already in danger from many things- least of all if gay people decide they want to have the same rights as the heterosexuals in society.

I find this whole idea and defense of the issue sickening. It is obvious to me this has nothing to do with marriage, if it did, why not outlaw divorce? If your concern was family- heterosexual families screw up kids all the time, just look around. Why not broaden your term of family from a white picket fence image with 2.5 kids and a dog. In this day and age a "family" can be innumerable beneficial situations (Uncles raising Nieces, adoption, family friends raising kids, friends raising friends, look at the Golden Girls for fuck sake, they are a family). No this is not about the "institution"; this is about open discrimination taken once again to a national level and being confused in the semantics of marriage.

What I am learning as I get older in this society as a queer individual is that - its ok to be who you are... in certain places. Those places are the arts, salons, fashion, entertainment reporting, etc. You can act and function in society in those realms and under those circumstances. Nevertheless don’t show anything that woman in Texas eating her Doritos doesn't want to think about. Quite honestly this suites me fine- I am not going to Texas (they say everything is bigger their but somehow I doubt the things that matter are) but Texans and all other conservatives like to visit me and my "type" as an issue repeatedly. I am ok with not acting out all the time as a gay man, in fact I prefer it. Who I sleep with or choose to love is my business not anyone else’s (unless I am trying to sleep with them of course). I do not choose to define myself by my sexuality- it is a facet, like the fact that I am interested in silent film. Having said that- I do not like being told when it is or isn't ok for me to be who I am, least of all by people who have no business telling me how to run my life. Many gay men say “Who cares about that breeder tradition! Let them have it!" I do. I care because it means something more than a tacky ceremony and broken promises.

With this discussion of marriage being brought up again and again I am realizing it’s not ok to sit back and let people tell me to hide who I am. I spent many many years filled with self hatred, praying to not be gay (thanks god), training myself to not talk too excitedly, look at my hands the correct way, sit with my legs uncrossed to look macho, play sports I hated etc. I fought to be who I am and continue the struggle everyday. I am now openly being told that I am a second class citizen not only by bullies, assholes, and ignorant people but by the President. According to Mr. Bush, as a queer man I do not deserve the same rights as a heterosexual. This is what I care about. (On another note only good thing about this whole gay crap is that “Don’t Ask, Don't Tell" bullshit- I am TEELLLIINNNGG - I don't want to go to freaking fight a war over oil. PLUS half those army boys fuck each other and film it- as much as that would be fun, not my scene.)

I have no idea what the future holds and if marriage is in the cards for me however I would like the option like everyone else. It seems the heterosexual community needs to rethink what the hell they are talking about. These conservatives need to take a step back and look at their heterosexual divorce rates, adultery, and the amount of broken homes produced from a crap marriage. Why not focus on these things if it really is an issue of upholding that already weak foundation on the "institution of marriage". I somehow doubt anyone of these conservative battle leaders will because ignorance is bliss and it seems this is not the real issue at hand.

I have so much more to say about this and this is a very long rant -it will have to be another blog at another time...

*note- people who see marriage as a biblical thing- I would like to point out we are all going to hell according to your book written thousands and thousands of years ago so give it up- remember "judge not"?

*note 2- My parents have been married for over 30 years and they are going strong- I commend them for upholding their vows to each other, not to an "institution" like the church or marriage itself.

Break ups and hair cuts don't mix

The young woman who cuts my hair lately has been doing a pretty good job. I met her because I had a hair disaster a while back and she was my saving grace. I went in for a cut at a training school (mistake! mistake! cheap ass mistake!) and came out looking like George Michael circa 1985, complete with bouffant. It was one of those cuts that everyone gives you a fake smile in the salon and says "Oh.. that’s a... GREAT CUT". I knew it wasn't, I hated it. As soon as I was out of the place I pulled out my hat, went down 5 blocks and into the nearest salon that did not have a bad name like "Palace of Elegance". There behind the counter was a young blonde Brooke Hogan look alike complete with extensions. Not a fan of Brooke Hogan but when on a budget and desperate, beggars can't be choosers. She was bubbly, chatty and did exactly what I asked to fix the cut. The whole affair was reasonably priced and I was sold. She had a new client.

Yesterday I went for my monthly haircut because my mom is coming into the city and I wanted to look nice for her. Brooke Hogan greeted me with smiles, had my hair washed and met up with me at her station. I knew something was wrong with her when she distractedly asked "Do I use clippers with your hair?" instantly I replied "NO!!". She shrugged and started combing my hair back and forth, back and forth, preparing it for the shears.Trying to start a light conversation I asked her how her Mojito party went from the previous time. She paused.

" I just broke up with my boyfriend, I had to move out, I don't live there anymore" she gathered a bunch of my hair up and SNIP off went a good inch (when your hair is short to begin with an inch is a lot).

"Oh I am sorry to hear that, that sucks." I feigned interest. I really did not have the patience to hear my hairdresser's story seeing as after the cut I was going to meet my best friend to talk about her break up drama (which I actually care about).

"We went out for 4 years"

SNIP, chunk gone.

" I knew him for10. I mean it’s like I don't know we had different goals...(snip) he was a pot head....(snip) I have never been alone...(snip, snip, snip) " the more she talked the balder I was becoming. I didn't know what to do I was in a state of hair cut panic. I am the type of person who never interrupts a hairdresser because one bad snip and you can get cut, lose a chuck of hair, an ear or who knows what- those are some sharp weapons in their hands.

When I thought the torture ended- she continued on and talked about being single- just what every single gay man wants to hear about. Next thing I knew I was was being sheered like a lamb with the same damn buzzer we discussed her NOT using. Looking like a deer in headlights I shakily replied "uh huh..." to her every quip.

ZZZEEEUMMM up my neck.

"Is my hair line going to be halfway up my head! please stop there, I like the line natural the way you usually do it" I weakly pleaded.

"Oh, its okay I was just fixing it" (by the way my neck still burns from that stroke).

I was now freaking out- this is my fucking HAIR! I have to WALK AROUND with this shit in PUBLIC. I am single and can't afford to look like a freak with a bad haircut. I was done and decided to stop her since it was pretty much over and anything futher would have left me ready for the Army.

Next she turned me sideways and ZEEEUMM.

Off with my sideburns.

"OK! That’s good , thanks you can stop there!" I touched the soft patch of red skin where my sideburns used to be. “You took off my side burns..." I quivered wanting to cry.

"Oh.... I thought you said you wanted me too. I mean you always come in here and they are such a mess, I can't stand that. I thought you wanted me to clean them up." For the record, I never said anything about my sideburns. I like my sideburns. I had no idea she thought they were a "mess".

"Clean them up is different than taking them off " I smiled, killing her with kindness.

"Oh... Sorry hun, well, next time I'll just trim them."

She brushed off the curls that lay around me. "Product?"

I hate this part- they always put way too much, don't know how the fuck to style my hair and then try and force my curls to go a different way and say they love the look. I figured I had no curls left so what was there to lose. She took out half the tub and worked it into my head and then did the usual force of the hair unnatural ways and said "I just love this length and this curly messy look!". Um, what curls? what length? I had no hair left!

Suddenly excited she declared "Hey! next time you want to grab a drink at that place you mentioned with Mojitos, give me a call! I'll give you my number!" she flipped her hair extensions and trotted off to get her card. I guess now that I was bald she felt better.

Ok the girl is nice, I tipped her well, she means well, she was just a mess this time... I hope. Now because of that break up, my hair is a mess. Wagin told me it’s very "boyish". I am too old for boyish. Wagin assured me that it doesn't look bad. I asked her if she would really tell me if it was- because everyone knows they wouldn't really tell someone a haircut looks awful. Wagin shifted her eyes around and looked away "OF COURSE, don't be silly...hair grows back". Not too sure my trust in Brooke Hogan will.