"True"

Normally I like to use my blog to tell stories or something of the like. I try and refrain from bitching too much because I do that enough in my daily life and writing it down just gives me a complex. Sure my first posts were on those bitching-esq topics but then I found my footing and began to write less and less about the daily monotony of working in an office, New York City subway rides and instead decided to expose my most embarrassing or telling stories.

Therefore I will TRY and keep this brief. (after reviewing it, I realize I failed on that count so just sit back and hopefully enjoy)

What the HELL is up with that freaking site "True"? Whenever I log into my myspace (I know... myspace, the passive aggressive way people keep in contact with former or distant friends that are to lazy to even email. Through the magic of sites like friendster and myspace you can learn all you need to know without ever having to talk to them- just keep dibs on them .)

Anyway whenever I log onto myspace I am greeted by an advert for "True" featuring two buff shirtless men holding each other looking as happy as can be with "Live, Love, Learn" or " Romance is just a click away" written in bold underneath.What the hell kind of slogan is that!? Live, Love, Learn? If it were that easy wouldn't we all be walking around in a wonderful sex filled bliss?

If its not "True"reminding me that I need to live love and learn its fucking "Gay.com". Usually the ad features some shaven buff guy all wet coming out of a pool looking sexy/pissed at the camera asking me if I have "given Gay.com a try". Um yes and my profile was deleted for some unknown reason and all anyone wanted on there was sex. Not that there is anything wrong with that- just don't market yourself as a dating site when you are indeed nothing of the sort- just a hook up site with some queercentric "news" articles.

Which of course leads me to the OTHER site I get advertised on myspace all the time. Manhunt. There coyly posed in front of me after I log in is this beefy, large pectoral man with a square jaw line and perfectly manicured chest hair telling me to "go online and get off". While I appreciate the straightforwardness of the whole thing I know that the same guy does not exist on this site. If he does it is in headless torso form. This headless torso that looks great soon turns into a monster when that same picture is "unlocked" to see the guys face. Its always a gamble and you run the risk of either turning to stone or the guy is 50.

My favorite advert to groan at after I log in or out is the Dr. Phil endorsed "Match.com" telling me "It's okay to look" while a seemingly live video loops of some guy with his shirt unbuttoned looking at the camera and trying to figure something out. Now this is somewhat true - there are some cute guys on web cams however they are all in Europe or nowhere near you to actually meet. Then there is always the point in which the conversation disintegrates to sex talk and he is stripping. Then you are stripping. Then you feel weird and isolated like you are in some bizzaro version of Logan's Run calling up a sex partner but they never "materialize" before you for actual contact. You just have to please yourself and watch someone else do the same. Oh and you don't meet those guys on Match.com, never.

In case you haven't noticed- I have tired online dating, quite a bit in fact. I don't go to gay bars very often because they make me feel like I am in a living version of online dating but heightened and with bad music. When I moved to New York City I gave on line shit a shot. I have done almost every kind of site from hook up sites to genuine dating sites (where gay men create a ruse of wanting a date when really they want to hook up - ANNOYING! If I wanted to spend money for sex I would buy a hot hooker instead of a shitty dinner with bad conversation and an awkward make out session to follow.) There are a few things I have learned from these trials and tribulations which go against all the damn slogans they tout like facts.

1. It is not OK to look- people have profile trackers. If you stumble across someone who looks good in a thumbnail then click to enlarge and think OH JESUS! YUCK! they know it.

2. Crazy people are on there. Sure I was on there, but I am not a crazy person hiding behind the guise of sanity- I admit I am a little crazy, sometimes shit house crazy. I think its part of my charm... yeah that's it my charm... right?

3. If someone doesn't appear crazy at first, give it some time- the crazy will come out and hit you faster than you can say "Check Please". I can not begin to tell you how many dates I went on where they started normal and then somewhere between the second drink and the abrupt end the person came loose. One instance a man cried and told me how lonely he was as he grabbed my knee and begged me to keep him company. I felt bad but JESUS it was a first meeting! I never called him or spoke to him again.

4. Almost NO ONE looks like their picture. The rule of online pictures - if there is more than one pick the UGLIEST one, and think to yourself "That's what they look like". When you finally meet them you will either be right or pleasantly surprised. If they are shirtless, you can almost bet that picture was taken after a few months of starvation so they could sit on the beach and feel better about themselves and have a good "on line" pic. Sometimes and I repeat again- ONLY SOMETIMES the pictures are accurate. When that happens its great, you met an honest person, you are off to a good start however, see 2 and 3.

5. The same 20 people you are going to be interested in are the same 20 people on every dating site. Period. -- Again, look at me, I tired them all---

It pisses me off that I have to look at that blatant false advertising everyday that I log into my shitty myspace page to see if any half ass friends have talked to me or anyone has returned my half ass messages out of boredom or worse- maybe some stranger liked my profile and wrote to me (myspace and friendster are the single person's safe haven, people can claim they never have done online dating but if you have a myspace page or friendster page and declare yourself single- you have done online dating. Its true- end of story- don't deny it).

Sure we all know the few success stories for online dating. Perhaps it is a hetero thing- perhaps not- perhaps I am jaded about the whole thing, I don't care. I am tired of being told I can meet a sexy, sane guy by sitting in front of the computer when it is just not true. Now if they showed a bloated guy with thinning hair, and the slogan was

"Lower your expectations lazy ass, after all you are sitting in front of your computer eating ice cream in your underwear."

Then I might believe it and not be so mad.