Am I a computer....

If you know me , you know I am currently in the process of getting and MFA. The area I chose to study, wise or not, is Computer Art. What? YOU!! Well let me explain...

I went to an undergraduate college that was heavy duty on theory and the philosophy of art. I was taught that the idea is the most important thing when creating works of art, which I completely agree with, however the one thing that began to suffer when I was so focused on idea was craftsmanship. Being involved in art that is digitally enhanced or produced (I was a mutlimedia artist with a focus on video in undergraduate) it was important that I had a grasp of how things worked. I often would rely on the lab tech in the video department when I could not figure out how to make something work. He would sit down, show me, I would do it and forget it thinking "eh, I'll hire someone to do that for me in the real world." This eventually lead to the chair thinking I was indeed a tech wizz and I became a lab assistant. Sure I could help everyone with learning the basics of Final Cut Pro, how to import, get a clean shot, basic 3 point lighting- but when they showed up with fielding issues, color correction questions etc. I was at a loss.

Whenever I had ideas that were grander than my scope of technical understanding I relied on my intellect to find a reason to not have that projection be the size of a wall and make it on a TV instead. It was a great gift and often worked in my favor. I could back up any of my pieces and choices in making them a particular way with research, philosophy, arguments and would even have specific references on hand if they were needed. In a school where no assignments were given and grades were based on how well you defended your work- I became an expert at the argument, the discussion, the theory behind the practice. Once again, knowledge is power but my reasoning with myself to avoid a new challenge became a bigger problem.

When I graduated I disappointed many a professor by proclaiming I was moving to the land of commercial entertainment and greed- LA. The choice for me seemed clear- I had friends there, they were forming a business, asked me to be part based on my weird "arty" experiments in Boston . They needed that "fine art" element to give the edge so to speak. I saw it as an opportunity to finally learn more about the craft in film making, video, and design. I jumped at it- lied about my proficiency in programs and told my family I was headed out west (my mom cried).

Los Angeles was the smartest move for me at that time. I learned more about the technical workings of video in one month than I ever had in undergrad. Why? Clients didn't want to hear that you decided this rough look was better because it referred to the lyric in the song "I was so dirty, I would never be clean". They wanted results, smooth, slick, in your face RESULTS. I fought this at first and made many a first timer mistake by challenging the client- soon it became an issue of needing to make rent. I suddenly stepped up and learned programs on the fly because I had to. I had a very good friend sit down with me and patiently describe how things worked so I could assist him with larger projects, calming me down and helping me along. This eventually lead to me heading up the smaller scaled projects and building trust with them so my voice actually counted in the group- instead of being the "resident gay artist" I was becoming a part of their thinking. All my buddies showed me the joy in geeking out and learning technical things like what new program gives you a cleaner alpha channel on a green screen shoot or what compression codec works best for the web- can all be fun too.

After about a year of this the honeymoon was over. I was tired of wasting my personal ideas to sell a newspaper, an album, a song. I wanted to get back to what I wanted to do- what was that? I wasn't sure but I knew it wasn't making the lower thirds on the Blink 182 Iraq special for MTV2 or making another loser band look cool. I wanted the art world back.

I decided to leave and come to New York City. I wanted to go to graduate school. I wanted to find a program where I could combine the two elements I liked the most- art and my new found appreciation for computer technology. I wanted to be proficient enough to not need a pasty, pale, geek with man boobs telling me the "flux capacitor in your computer hooks up to the thing-a-ma-bob which is now not running due to a 404 error". I knew this was bullshit- I just didn't know why. I decided COMPUTER ART. There you go- that's the way. I wanted to learn the ins and outs, the inner workings, the binary language, the secrete code to geek speak. I wanted to combine this technical skill with a fine art practice to make the works I wanted to make- to realize I did indeed know how to make the wall size projection and even have it interact with the viewer through a series of sensors placed in the floor. No more reasoning out of it- no more slick for slick sake. Making things that were true to how I wanted to express myself and the topics I thought were important.

Which brings me to the present. Here I am- in the midst of this brilliant idea I had to become a computer and I am screaming. I don't get it. I quickly learned there is a reason those computer geeks never leave the house. Between the programming classes and systems classes on things like "how RAM works"( I am not talking that general " it just does" BS, I am talking electrical diagram crap so you can truly understand the "concept"). I am extremely confused and it seems that no one will clarify as this is a "graduate" program. When I write to the teacher of one particular class explaining my concerns he will tell me "I just want you to understand the general concepts, don't stress" yet when the fucking quiz is handed out- its not general, its pretty specific if you ask me and I AM STRESSED.

I know its a process, I understand that its a journey, you can't jump from point A to C without experiencing B. My problem is when the process is confusing as hell and no one is explaining it what can you do? I have no time to put any of what I am learning to practice because I am too busy trying to understand it. I spent over 4 hours trying to comprehend how a fucking computer reads bitmapped images with nothing to show for it and then no lecture to clarify. I had a few people want to start a study group but the cost of a tutor to lead the group is too much for me. It is a nightmare - it reminds me of this nightmare I had when I was really little- frankenstien was chasing me and I fell down a flight of stairs. There he stood above me, this man made monster thing shooting laser beams out of his eyes and I thought "well I guess this is what I have to do to survive so he won't eat me"- I would then wake up crying.

The thing is I want to understand, I want to get it- I am trying my damn hardest to hold on to the idea of what this could lead to. It just seems that right now it is only inhibiting me from making work, not helping me- making me feel even more stupid than I normally feel on a day to day basis (which is pretty stupid). I feel out of place amongst the groups of 3D animators and Computer Science majors. I feel uncomfortable when I over hear people speaking disparagingly about fine art( in my one art based class that in turn is also a history class), saying that a screening of Bruce Naumans "Make Up" is really not significant and full of shit. I know its their naivete that is speaking - but where can I draw the line. I can only speak up so often about the importance of artistry in computer driven work- but will anyone really hear- do I start to sound like that crazy preacher outside the school who says god is love? Will I become a computer like so many of these people seem to have done? Will I too forget that sometimes simplicity is best? Will I forget that sometimes bells and whistles are just BELLS and WHISTLES and do not help to clarify an idea? Will I too begin to think that something that was so signifigant in the beginning of a rich history has no signifigance now due to my lack of attention span from staring at a vibrating image all day long?

I want to see the forrest through the trees but right now it looks like a bunch of ugly bushes and everyone knows I don't like bush.

Having said all this a I am sure my tune will once again change when the learning curve hits slaps me across the face.