"There's no time... There's never any time, I don't have time to study! I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused!"- cut to pill popping- " I'm so excited, I'm so excited! I'm so... scared."
Anyone who knows anything about pop cultural crap knows this scene well, has seen the youtube remix with Le Tigre singing ( clip here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzxTNWW2ifA&mode=related&search= ) and witnessed the shear brilliance of the Jesse Spano "caffeine freak out" as only Elizabeth Berkley can deliver (the craziest part of the whole clip is the total preview to her Oscar worthy turn as Nomi Malone, the whore/stripper/Vegas bitch with a heart of well, shit, in "Showgirls". I wonder if her agent submitted this clip to Paul Verhoven when they were casting with a note "you want a crazy ass bitch to get naked and freak out a lot - Elizabeth is your woman"). The even funnier part of the whole thing is I actually remember seeing this when it aired on Saturday morning for the first time. My sister loved "Saved by the Bell" so I would watch it with her to avoid chores. I remember thinking Jesse Spano looked my neighbor, Megan, and acted like one wound up, egg head, whore. I remember this episode so clearly, in my jams and neon t-shirt, loving me some Zach but really just wanting to be Jesse so he could shake me around and tell me it would be all right.
This is not such a funny clip when one wakes up everyday reliving it in their head, as I have been for the past 2 weeks. I, my folks, have become Jesse Spano (minus the Zach shakes unfortunately). No, not the pill popping crazed singing maniac- I got rid of that phase my first year in college (No Doz, Vivarin- Now SING you fool, SING SING SING- and dance while you do it- faster, faster, I said FASTER! ). I have become the person who is constantly feeling like there is no time. I feel like every minute I waste (like right now) has awful dire consequences and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Working full time in a shit job and going to school at night until 10pm, Monday- Thursday is just wearing me down. My apartment is a mess, there are dishes piled high and I can't find the sponge. I can hear the mice clawing in my walls again to get the crumbs on my floor. The roaches are back (I saw the biggest freaking roach I have ever seen in my medicine cabinet this morning - seriously I could have shaken its hand! I tried to squish it beind a shaving cream bottle but it was TOO BIG and its head and butt stuck out... ewww it was gross). I have no clean clothes- well I did manage a load of underwear. I am behind on my studying. I have not slept a good night sleep in three weeks from anxiety. I haven't been to the gym in a week and I have no desire to eat because my stomach is churning (the only good side effect to any of this- wait did I say that). Now where is the educational, life lesson, building character part? Oh I forgot- all those things ARE the lessons thus far, I see, I see...ugh.
Sure, not so bad you may be saying- what about the weekends, what about when you get home from class. You know what I say- what about FUCK YOU! I wasted my Saturday morning in the sound room at school trying to practice an assignment and the fucking speakers weren't working plus the woman who asked me to help her never fucking showed (which was the only reason I went in that morning to begin with- I would have cancelled but I didn't have her phone number- silly faggot). I spent the rest of the weekend working non-stop on a freaking 15 second clip for a composite class. I didn't study for a test I have Tuesday, go over my programming for an assignment due on Wednesday nor write a paper for Thursday. * cue Jesse Spano.
I can hear my mother now "You do better when you are busy honey, trust me" and ok I do- less time to think about crazy shit- but what about being too busy? I like reflecting in the park while sipping coffee- I never did that, but its nice to know I had the time to. I did enjoy watching my cooking shows on Satuday morning combined with cartoons, going to the farmers market, taking long walks and working out for two hours. I liked when my biggest worry was what to make for dinner or if I would pick up a brush and paint that day.
If this is what grad school is about I am not sure its for me... then again I am not sure what is for me anymore.... and does this really even matter now that North Korea has nuclear capabilities? I am such a whiney fag today...
Where is Jesse with those pills damn it!
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