New York State of Mind

a little down today so bear with me...

I was out last night attending an opening for a photographer friend of mine, doing my usual talking too loud while drinking cheap wine, not obeying the 30 second 30 feet rule (There was a girl next to me with a gut and a white boob tube revealing the most HIDEOUS rash all over her chest, it looked contagious so I had to point it out to every fag in the room. Unfortunately she heard me and I felt bad watching her adjust her hair in front of the rash. Ok, so I only felt bad for a second then I thought " wait-you are the one exposing that nasty rash and wearing a boob tube"... yeah still mean, oh well.). I had some nice conversations but one really disturbed me- one about the New York state of mind. It was brought to my attention from a native Manhattanite that people in this city are selfish, they are always looking for the next hot thing to make them better, always talking about what they want, when they want it, and not willing to compromise. Hearing this gave me the shivers.

The thought haunted me as I went to have a drink with my best friend- let'’s give her a name- Prado- as in the museum in Madrid. So I am going to meet Prado to discuss our lives, her particularly stressful work situation, the new dress she bought, and hear all about her bosses lectures and show (she works for a prominent artist). We of course come to a favorite topic- her current relationship, her past relationship, how I view her relationships (which makes me feel important that she cares) and the same old shit (basically its a circular discussion where nothing is accomplished). I bring up this selfish thing and wonder if she agrees, she looks at me for a second then spouts "well of course why do you think all those women in their forties suddenly want babies and husbands- spent to long being selfish and unwilling to compromise" and went back to sipping her white wine. She then must have noticed my facial disappointment and retorted "You are different, you just don't want to waste your time, you know what you want- I wish I could do that."- ouch. (For the record - I am not a woman and I don't want babies either.)

I thought New Yorkers were supposed to be different than that. I thought New Yorkers were supposed to have heart, spirit, culture... as I was thinking this in the supermarket this morning some dumb bitch cut me off on my way to grab the last Greek yogurt in the supermarket -Seriously- cut me off for a yogurt, which just confirmed my New York selfish thoughts. I was even naive enough to think the gay men in New York were going to be different. I thought they would love each other, support each other, care about each other- instead its one hair snatching event after another while they gold dig their way through Smelsea lisping like leaky tires, looking for younger hotter men or richer older men to fuck. What happened?

Am I one of these people ? Did I subconsciously move here for a chance to live in a city of selfish people and not be called selfish- instead referred to as "driven", "determined", "uncompromising" which of course I don't hear as much as I hear "bitch". Am I really not willing to compromise and only thinking of myself all the time- is that why I am alone, frustrated and failing school? Am I going to suddenly wake up 50 , single, living in a studio apartment in queens with a leaky toilet, broke, no pension plan, no health insurance, sleeping in the tub because rats have infested my apartment, thinking "what happened?" - the way things are going, probably (there all you cynics I beat you to the punch). (OH! and that last thing with the apartment is a the true story of someone I know who just moved out of the city at the age of 54- single and broke).

I know its probably not New York and it is just human nature- but when surrounded by people all the time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week it seems like the world is New York City (selfish New York thing again) so for the moment- New York has got me down...