Clear and Copious

Whenever I am at a urinal, starring at the wall in an attempt to not notice anyone else peeing right next to me, I hear the phrase "Clear and Copious" and it brings me back...

This phrase was passed on to me by a 60 something year old "proprioceptive movement" teacher I had in college (if you are thinking "what the fuck is that?!"- think about how a bunch of spoiled little 'actors' felt in that class, laying on the floor 'feeling' our backs and being told to lift our knees to our chest and release for months on end). This woman, Kayla, was pretty intense. She wore the same purple knit draped sweat outfit and every week would complain about having to wash it when it developed "knees"- which makes me think she did not wash it often as it always had "knees". She had short gray hair and looked like a cross between Gargamel, the evil wizard from the smurfs and Bea Arthur. I imagine at one time she must have been very striking but age was not her friend and her ear/nose growth did not become her. She was a former dancer having done ballet then onto modern and experimental work. She was a proponent of the Alexander technique and constantly talked about posture, alignment and how it could change your life. Whenever she would demonstrate you could see the years of training exude from her large pours.

She let it be known from day 1 that she hated actors- I respected that. I hated actors. At the time I was in crisis and had no idea what the fuck I was doing in an acting school with a bunch of "look at me" show offs. I thought "hey we could get along". Nope. She was very tough on our class and often was shouting and yelling at us because many annoying people could not focus. I dreaded that class every week with every fiber of my being.

Kayla would often start each class giving us tips and advice on eating and remaining 'healthy'. She once asked everyone how often we ate, what we liked to eat and what out favorite dessert was. She then berated every girl for their diets (or lack of one) and told every guy that what they liked was disgusting. I was pissed when it was my turn and I told her I liked pecan pie and her response was "UGH that is DISGUSTING, how can you eat that, its all butter and sugar" I responded in my tart, bitchy tone that was becoming notorious with teachers on campus "Yes Kayla, that’s why I like it. If you are going to respond that way to everyone when you ask a question, why bother asking at all".

Yup, I was that little shit in the class.

This did not go over well and she gave me a look of death and you could feel the room gasp. After a moment to collect herself and her death rays, she doled out the advice that everyone should exist on a diet of iceberg lettuce with black pepper, no need for dressing. She assured us this was "delicious" and very nutritious. The anorexic girl in our class agreed as she jotted down notes and muttered to herself.

Kayla and I often butted heads over her comments and treatment of everyone. As I stated before, I agreed, I did not like actors, I hated the school, I wanted out- but I still thought yelling at everyone, telling us we were disgusting annoying people who should only be eating lettuce to keep ourselves pure was not cool. This all came to a colossal head the day of the now notorious (amongst friends) "confrontation". After weeks of people flitting about and singing, not rolling on the floor and knee bending as she asked, she had it. She ordered a pow wow . The idea was to express our "feelings" on how the class was going. It just ended in the usual toung-lashing. She did not let one person finish a thought and kept interrupting with her opionons on how much we sucked. I, being the feisty fag, jumped in and began another embarrassing moment in my life. I was ready to pop and sick of this old bag bitching at me and some of the people I considered my friends (most were not and I could have cared less-but those of us who tried, it was awful to be yelled at all the time). I took a deep breath ready to let it all out.

" Kayla- SHUUUT UUUP!! God you are just so EVIL, you walk into a room and you just set TENISON!" . This was at the top of my well trained lungs... red faced...to a 60 something year old woman. I had no idea what had happened- I think I even went deaf for those few seconds.

Once again, I was that shit.

Death rays met me yet again but I was prepared. The room did not move. No one breathed.

She slammed her books down hard on the floor and pushed her tired body back into the chair. I gave her a defiant look. A pipe creaked, we stared, and I swear you could hear that western whistle in the background. I was the first to crack

" I am outta here." I said, put on my shoes and went to the door.

She replied with " I NEVER!" and did not finish- nor did I finish walking out the door.

If I had left it would have been the end, I would have looked even more terrible than I already did, throwing a tantrum and storming out. I promptly turned around, went back to the circle, took off my shoes and said

"I am not leaving" in snot nosed tone and sat down.

She was flabbergasted. People began to snicker from the tension, mouths were agape, and no one would look at me. I didn't give a shit, I was not backing down. I was there to explain myself and my thoughts- plus take what she had to say. What was her response? A few deep breathes, a deep stare that went right through me then -

"I am glad you came back. I am glad you expressed your view, now lets work on this."

To this woman’s credit she freaking DID. She finally saw we were a bunch of wound up assholes high on butter and sugar who needed attention so desperately we were willing to go sing and dance for it in amusement parks. I think she finally felt pity for our dumb souls. Personally, I would have told my 19 year old self to fuck off,get over the situation and flunked my bitchy ass.

Kayla no longer berated us, she told us interesting things. She talked about self confidence, the light that we should imagine following us and a bunch of spiritual crap that the girls in the class loved. She told us not to starve and instead began to talk about the importance of water. She said "Be sure to drink enough water to where your urine is Clear and Copious. If you do, you will have more energy, get sick less, and fell better, I promise. The more yellow your urine, the more toxic your body, the more toxic your soul" You know what- she is right- its the one thing I found I could agree with whole heartedly that she had to say (you also loose weight because often thirst is mistaken for hunger).

Kayla died a few years ago. It may seem strange but every time I see my clear, copious piss, I hear the old woman saying "clear and copious".