Turn that frown...

This past weekend was a rough one- spent most of the time berating myself for allowing resistance to take hold of my life (read this damn book about artist blocks, not sure if that was a good idea). I spent most of Sunday freaking out about how this could have happened to me, where I went wrong and what the hell I was doing with my life (good times). After a bottle of wine (resistance), a cleaning spree (resistance), frustrated image searching online for flowers on branches for a project (semi-resistance) and masturbating about 4 times in two hours (major resistance)- I passed out.

Today I woke up, was ok until I rolled over and realized it was 7:45 and I usually leave my house at 7:50 to have my morning torture, uh commute. The day did not start off right. I had no idea how this manifests itself in my face until my lovely train ride to work...

This morning I had the good fortune to be lugging around a heavy camera, a tripod and my usual 80 pound book bag with me. I was happy to get a seat (rare that late in the commute). I was even able to read my AWESOME book "How Computers Work" for my systems class. I did not feel it necessary to stand up for the old ladies or the pissed off looking young women in heels huffing and puffing (normally I would- yeah I am nice like that... but seriously young ladies, don't wear the freaking heels if they hurt). A man got on two stops after me and started mumbling to some younger man who was standing by the door "You know if you only moved 12 inches it would make this whole thing a lot easier". I hate when people verbalize inner monologues on the train- it just leads to trouble. An argument ensued where the younger man defended himself and the older man said "You know I am a parent, I am glad you are not my son". I loved this- “I am a parent" whop de fucking doo, doesn't mean you know best jackass so shut up and stop complaining.

I took a good look at this man, parent, verbal ass to see what his deal was. When he finally turned I noticed he had this awful look on his face- a deep intense scowl. He looked like he had been smelling rotten garbage and pungent cheese for about 10 years and someone smacked him on the back to freeze his face that way (as urban legend would have it). When he finally pushed an old woman down to get a seat (yeah parent and polite my ass) he started staring at me. His scowl pierced my skin; he was just so UGLY with this nasty face on. I tried to brush it off and read an amazingly interesting chapter on how dot matrix printers’ work- he just looked at me more. I turned the page to view more diagrams... more stares. I put my book away to do "subway mediation" and block him out - out of the corner of my eye there he was, scowling at me. I was getting pissed and wanted to punch him.

I finally arrived at my stop, excused and pushed my way off the train and pouted up the stairs. My shoe came untied so I had to stop over to the side, drop my bags, kneel down and tie the damn thing. I caught a glimpse of myself in a window reflection as I went down to tie. I had the same freaking face that man did. I was scowling- not only was I scowling, you could almost see the pissed off negative energy waves like heat coming out of my head. I was shocked. I knew I tended to walk around with an "intense" look (years of being made fun of taught me it’s the best look to tell people to back the fuck off) however, I had no idea that look had turned to an off putting scowl. After staring at myself for several minutes in a crouch some woman’s purse hit my head and I was brought out of my stupor. Is this me? I mean yeah its me but really is this what I want to put out there. I beat myself up on a daily basis, now I have to worry if that is showing on my face? And what the fuck, that woman didn't even say excuse me or sorry- bitch that hurt! No scowl, no scowl, smile... I am happy to go to my job...

WAGIN's ex was a scowler- often radiating extremely negative energy. He was constantly getting mugged, spit on, punched and beaten. Negative begets negative. He always played the victim in these scenarios but now I realize that he welcomed these events by displaying his deeper negative emotions to the world. I don't want to be like that.

I may be miserable like most New Yorkers but I guess part of the trick is learning to turn that fucking frown upside down and kill people with kindness... ugh I feel sick even thinking about it.