What does the F stand for?

I know everyone writes about the subway, this is nothing new- but man it is pissing me off lately

The F train. The bane of my existence in this city- the bane of many in this city. People love it or hate it. I, living way out in Brooklyn, hate it. It is the thorn in my side, the pain in my ass, the ache in my head. It ruins my day- everyday. I wake up earlier and earlier thinking it will help with my daily commute, maybe get a freaking seat- nope. The train is overcrowded with screeching children, Russian hags, pushy 50 somethings who cut off pregnant ladies to get seats (seriously, happened today and it wasn't the first time I have seen that shit), annoying teenagers, and the pissed off office workers with the look of "why me" - like myself. Why don't I just move? Yeah right- because I can afford the sky rocketing rents in such glamorous neighborhoods as Gowanus, Dumbo, Williamsburg (lets not even mention the L or the streets overwrought with leggings, tattoos and white belts), Fort Green etc. When did these ugly ass places become so hot?! Another story, another time- I am here to talk about the F.

Everyday I am on the damn F, the train gets stopped for one reason or another. The F train likes to be polite to other trains (not its own passengers) by letting them pass ("excuse me ladies and gentle men we have a G train crossing in front of us going nowhere anyone needs to be at this time of day" or even worse "The V will be leaving the station first so all the people on the LES can get to their jobs faster than you"). People who ride the F like to become "sick passengers" because they can't get it together to step onto the damn platform- instead they make EVERYONE late for work while they figure out what's going on ( I have been on trains with fake heart attacks, pass out episodes, puking and drunk homeless shitting themselves). Another great announcement and delay is the signals excuse ("red signal ahead we will be moving shortly" and there you sit for ten minutes ,watching the lady across from you read her bible and pick her nose because you forgot your reading material and can no longer cope with the "eyes shut meditation" face). There are of course all the people running late for the train that decide they will hold the doors open for all their friends, homies, acquaintances who are also running late and taking their sweet time to get to the subway doors until the conductor has to shout "YOU IN THE BACK DO NOT HOLD THE DOORS" then announces "Ladies and Gentleman we have a G train crossing in front of us ". My personal favorite- they decided mid run to change the service and not tell anyone until its too late. If it isn't my stop getting skipped ( I guess they think that no one really needs to get on or off there) at Jay street they decide to run on the A line for a while due to "construction" ( I have no idea what "construction" they are doing because all it looks like is guys with guts standing there holding lights. Not to say they aren't doing anything- I just don't know what they are doing and most certainly have not seen the benefits).

Its not like I live in the boonies... Ok I sort of do. I can not afford to live anywhere else. Ok I could if I got a roommate I don't know but I had one when I first moved to the city. It lasted 6 months. She wasn't a bad person at all. Her boyfriend moved in with us because I said "yeah sure it makes the rent cheap" however it meant that it was their apartment and I made a self imposed exile to my 3x4 room. The final straw was when I came home one Sunday and there she was, mop in hand, tears and sweat pants- she dramatically proclaimed I never clean. Not true. I never left a dish in the sink for longer than an hour, always cleaned up my little messes, cleaned a "shared space" every weekend etc. To top it all off I had just cleaned the bathroom and mopped the floors the previous day- I liked to do it early while they still slept (until noon) so I could get it done without interruption. I guess she thought a magic gnome had taken her pubic hair out of the drain, wiped the poop stains off the underside of the toilet seat, emptied the trash, made the faucet shine, and kept the house smelling like pine sol. In fairness this was after four months and she was frustrated about something else having nothing to do with me. I think she is a good person, meant no harm, however living together did not work. Moving into someone else's territory is never fun- that's why you have to find a place with someone so you can equally pee all over marking terrain together (this is a figure of speech people). Why don't you move in with friends? Too much info for this blog and besides- most live with boyfriends/girlfriends or have roommates.

-back to the F-

I know the subway is old. I appreciate that I never have to drive ( people can't even walk right on sidewalks, you think I want to be surrounded by them and a death machine on a totally packed highway!). I think its history is great, some lines are great, the workers- not so great but hey everyone has their problems and I am sure subway riders are annoying (look at me). I just wish they would fix the service, put electrical shockers on the doors so that people can't hold them, SOMETHING to make it a little smoother and not ruin my day.

Until that day ( or when I move to a new neighborhood where strollers are not the main form of transport and there is more than one line running there- please oh please oh please) I am stuck on the F. The train that makes everyday like Monday, everyday a rainy day, everyday the first day of school, tax day, and worse -puts me in a pissy mood again and again no matter what I do. Damn you F... damn you to hell.